My Fears and desires!

There's a place that I go that nobody knows Where the rivers flow and I call it home And there's no more lies in the darkness there's light And nobody cries, there's only butterflies. Take me away, a secret place, a sweet escape, take me away, take me away to better days, take me away a hiding place.

The above song describes my desires and brings a smile on my face, a smile that has hope and makes me feel that my man would be the man of my dreams. I guess I need to wake up to the appauling reality and understand the fact that they dont make such men anymore. Despite being a practical modern women, I have been living in the world of dreams and have been waiting for my dreams and desires to be accepted in the real world, whereas this has never happened and I dont even know if this will ever happen. 

All I know is that its time when I have started feeling that I need a companion. A partner that will take care of me not as a husband but as a friend first. A person who will understand and value my importance in his and his family's life and will not clip my wings which are clipped at the moment. A person who will live his life with me and will be my partner in crime. I need a real man who will have the backbone to support me in my decisions and would keep his ego outside our relationship. A man who will hold me tight and say, I am here, right here by your side to hold you if you fall.

I guess I am demanding a little too much, but isn't it justified because all this while I have been striving to sustain my life. I guess I deserve it. Since, I know I deserve it my fears begin as follows. They kill me, haunt me and make me weak:

1. What if I land up marrying a man who does not let me work.
2. What if he is not modern by his approach.
3. What if he doesnt love me
4. What if  he treats me just as an object to satisfy his sexual desires.
5. What if I land up being alone even in his presence.
6. What if he doesnt take me away to the secret place of love in his heart.

A number of if's and but's .... A large number of fears. Yes fear..... Justified fears, after all a person who has seen a lot of pain in her life would be scared at every moment to choose...

I guess I am at that one stage, where on one hand I need my partner in crime but on the other hand I am equally scared of landing up in wrong arms.

P.S I hope god fulfills my desires and fears go down the drain!
 

A Little Prayer for myself!

Dear God!

I do not know who you are or what you look like, yet I believe that you exist. I do not believe in going to a temple or for that matter visit a religious place to worship you, because I believe that u exist as a supreme power who keeps a watch on all of us and that is the reason why I am writing it down here. I do not need to tell you what I am going through because you know the state of my heart. I just have a few fears and you are aware about them. So just help me deal with my life in a positive way and help me, just give me the strength to carry on with my life with a smile on my face. All, I am requesting you is to provide me the strength to face this emotional phase that I am going through. Please be here by my side to take a stand wherever required. I wanna cry but I cant, because that one shoulder that can help me does not exist near me. As a result of which I am being dependent on my friends for emotional support. Imagine how sad it is, I have to depend on my friends for emotional support and in case they are not available, I wanna cry. Why ? I dont know! All I know is that I am really low at the moment.

Please help me find solace.
Amen!

ITS ALL ABOUT HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS

I am walking on a path,

which has no end.

I am looking at the future,

which has no light.

I am trying to look for a guide to hold my hand,

but has no one in sight.

I am longing for love,

but has no one to bring desires to life.

I am waiting for a real man to come,

but cannot see any real man around.

I know I am looking for impossible,

but still I smile.

Because I believe that some day my man will come

and will take me away on his ride.

Till then I will wait with hope in my eyes,

With smile on my face,

With pride of dreams I wish to explore,

I will live my life with an honest smile...!

 

Diary 28 January 2013

It is said that the more you run away from a situation the more it gets close to you. Today I knew that Abhi will make me face the reality and that is the reason why I was running away from it. Honestly I did not want to meet him because I knew that he will ask me how I was! I might be able to lie to the entire world but he is one person whom I cannot lie. He will look into my eyes and figure out that I am not fine. He is the only person who has met the real NIKITA GUPTA. He knows me in and out and that is the reason why I was running away from him and the reality. But he was right if I run away from it and if I think that I can forget what happened then I am the biggest fool. He said I need to talk to Pallavi or for that matter her mom or Principal Maam, I did not understand y? But yes I know that he will never think ill of me. He would be the last person on this planet to cause me any harm. He is my brother and will never suggest anything wrong and that is the reason why despite getting back late from work, I went straight to her place because I thought that I would speak to her. why? because abhi asked me to. He said friends sirf masti ke liye nahi hote, i thought he was right and that is why I chose to talk to Pallavi. Jis baat ko batane mein hi mujhe ek ghanta lag gaya us baat ko hasi mein udane mein use 5 minute bhi nahi lage.

I dont know why I chose Pallavi, I know that she is a kid and that she does not have that level of maturity, but what ever it is, I am done discussing about it. I wont talk about it anymore. Neither with Abhi, nor with Pallavi, nor with any one else. 

I guess I should just keep shut and stop talking to people about what I am going through. Why should I involve anyone in my personal problems. Worst case scenario - I will loose happiness and my smile toh abhi kahan se main khush hu. I m neither happy nor content. I m just fooling myself by carrying a fake smile on my face. I am sick and tired of bearing this fake attitude. Enough now. I am done. My happiness does not matter . The only person it should matter is me and it does not matter any more because the minute I smile something wrong comes my way. People might take all of it as an act of seeking attention therefore I should stop talking to them before they land up thinking ill of me. I do not want any more negativity, so it will be better if I simply give up and sit back

Thank you Abhi for trying to help me but I guess its high time that even you should realize that I am no more than a bad omen. Therefore you should stay away otherwise mere jaise pannauti ka saaya tum par pad jayega. 

Midnight Diary

Diary 27 January, 2013

It seems like everything that is happening with me is a test of almighty God! I do not know why, but things are not good. I can not see one single file of positivity in life. As Abhi says, I should be thankful to God because the worst case dint happen. It could have happened, I could have been .......... but it did not happen, because God rescued me. But still I am not being able to come out of it. I am trying my level best to face the reality t I am not being able to do it. The minute I close my eyes the appauling reality haunts me like anything.

I know I am alone in this and that i have to fight it on my own then why am I feeling weak and pathetic. Why the hell am I not being able to come out of it. What has gone so seriously wrong with my ability to hold myself tight and firm and say that yes - "Yes Nikita" = YOU CAN DO IT. Why am I not being able to control my emotions. The only reason that I see is the probability of me getting tired of all the nuisance that has been happening in my life since past 20 years. I am genuinely tired, but just because I am tired, I cannot give up life so easily. After all, we get it only once. Guess I am loosing it or I have changed, because I am amongst those fighters who never give up in any situation, come what may, they stand to their ground and fight it out.

Every time something wrong has happened with me, I have fought like a warrior, be it loosing Mumma, Papa, Nanu, Nani and above all my childhood and innocence, I have always fought with the toughest situations of life in the best possible manner. I have fallen down end number of times, got up and continued to climb the mountains hoping that the journey is about to end soon. But no, each time I think its done, its all over, something new comes my way and shakes me up entirely. It shakes from my breath to my blood. I just don't know, how to handle it this time. I promised Abhi, that I will not cry and that I will deal with this in the correct manner but sorry Abhi I am not being able to do it. Its for the first time that your sis has broken her promise. Please forgive me for the same.

Abhi I know that you will never get to know this, because you will never read this blog of mine, that is why I am writing it here, THANKS, thanks for being there for me in this tough situation, Thanks for being my that elder brother who I wish could give me a hug and say - Dont worry sis I am there for you. I know that was not possible but your phone call mattered. I actually felt that yes I do have a family, I do have a caring brother, Thanks bro, thanks a tonne............... It is really valued and appreciated.

Bhagwan Ji = I wish Abhi was my blood brother as well, I am sure he would have fought for me from my family as well, but thank you for sending him in my life.

EVE-TEASING - A COMMON WORD TODAY

In today's scenario it is very easy to debate, discuss and write about various social issues prevalent in the society, but very difficult to take a stand when it comes to one's own life. To talk about rape issue is easy but to stand and report Eve - Teasing when it happens with you is not just difficult but more harassing than the actual episode. 

To report you need to describe what happened with you. It has to be a detailed step to step description. Here comes my question ...... WHY? Why does one need to provide second to second detail? Why does the victim has to give in details like - what did he do? which part of your body did he touch? Did he go beyond this? Did he hit you? Did he abuse you? What did he play with, your breasts or your vagina? Exactly these are the questions that a girl need to answer while reporting an Eve-Teasing case. Be it the Police officials or the so called Helpline assistants, everybody, everybody has the set of questions. It seems as if they enjoy the interrogation part. Whether the criminals are caught or not is not at all an issue of their concern. What matters to them is the description of what actually happened with you.

For once I can say that it is the job of helpline assistants to ask these questions so that they can understand the case and prepare a charge sheet accordingly. But what about the Rapists and Eve - Teasers roaming openly on the street. These people roam openly and molest young girls by blaming them for dressing up properly and aggravating their Blood Pressures which compels them to molest girls / ladies roaming on the street. What better explanation can we demand from these people. And the best part, how can we forget that now a days its not one person who does the great manly deed of teasing a girl it happens in a gang. They will stop you in the middle of the road, one of them will put a knife on your neck with one hand and will use the other one to insert inside your under pants. The other one will first snatch your wallet and will then squeeze your breast and then push you/ rather throw you on the road while the third one keeps the bike ready to run away. Even before you can gather yourself and realize what has happened with you, they will fly off. 

This is just one case, but there are cases which are worse and no one does anything about them, in-fact the safety issues, in a city like Delhi are getting worse day by day. Rapists and Eve-Teasers are fulfilling their desires in the broad day-light and no action against them, forget about action, reporting such incidents with the kind of interrogation that the sufferer has to go to is another major issue. For a girl it is difficult to narrate the entire issue to her brother forget about narrating it to a stranger. 

Hats off and a big salute to those brave girls who have the courage to fight this menace which is very strongly prevalent in today's world.

P.S  - REALITY CHECK - IT IS EASY TO SAY BUT DIFFICULT TO DO

Diary, 14 Jnauary 2013

The day began with a fine smile on my face and with a promise in my heart to do something good for myself. Took a half day off from work and went out with a dear friend / brother. It was important. Really important. While he drove to drop me at the metro station, a little conversation with him made me realize about how wrong I was. Despite the fact that I knew what I did was wrong and that I have no right to involve anyone in my personal problems or for that matter i need to learn to handle my emotions myself, I still did a silly mistake which ofcourse I should'nt have done in the first place but, yes, I did it. I spoiled things. I dont understand why, when and how I became so weak. I was not amongst the one who would break down in=front of others. Till date I have handled myself strongly. So, all of a sudden what went wrong, even I do not know. I guess knowing it is not even that important nor does it matter. What matters is the solution to it. Solution lies in doing things that I like, but what do I like? 

I like writing, so I am expressing myself here, - but is it really helping?

I like debating for which I joined online debating society, - but now I dont even want to debate.

I liked Pineapple Ice Cream Soda, but it does not taste good anymore.

I liked spending time with myself, but it has become scary.

I liked working like a workaholic, but work is no more interesting?

Well! I definitely need to figure out a solution, I will do it soon, I guess all I need is patience!