Midnight Diary

Diary 27 January, 2013

It seems like everything that is happening with me is a test of almighty God! I do not know why, but things are not good. I can not see one single file of positivity in life. As Abhi says, I should be thankful to God because the worst case dint happen. It could have happened, I could have been .......... but it did not happen, because God rescued me. But still I am not being able to come out of it. I am trying my level best to face the reality t I am not being able to do it. The minute I close my eyes the appauling reality haunts me like anything.

I know I am alone in this and that i have to fight it on my own then why am I feeling weak and pathetic. Why the hell am I not being able to come out of it. What has gone so seriously wrong with my ability to hold myself tight and firm and say that yes - "Yes Nikita" = YOU CAN DO IT. Why am I not being able to control my emotions. The only reason that I see is the probability of me getting tired of all the nuisance that has been happening in my life since past 20 years. I am genuinely tired, but just because I am tired, I cannot give up life so easily. After all, we get it only once. Guess I am loosing it or I have changed, because I am amongst those fighters who never give up in any situation, come what may, they stand to their ground and fight it out.

Every time something wrong has happened with me, I have fought like a warrior, be it loosing Mumma, Papa, Nanu, Nani and above all my childhood and innocence, I have always fought with the toughest situations of life in the best possible manner. I have fallen down end number of times, got up and continued to climb the mountains hoping that the journey is about to end soon. But no, each time I think its done, its all over, something new comes my way and shakes me up entirely. It shakes from my breath to my blood. I just don't know, how to handle it this time. I promised Abhi, that I will not cry and that I will deal with this in the correct manner but sorry Abhi I am not being able to do it. Its for the first time that your sis has broken her promise. Please forgive me for the same.

Abhi I know that you will never get to know this, because you will never read this blog of mine, that is why I am writing it here, THANKS, thanks for being there for me in this tough situation, Thanks for being my that elder brother who I wish could give me a hug and say - Dont worry sis I am there for you. I know that was not possible but your phone call mattered. I actually felt that yes I do have a family, I do have a caring brother, Thanks bro, thanks a tonne............... It is really valued and appreciated.

Bhagwan Ji = I wish Abhi was my blood brother as well, I am sure he would have fought for me from my family as well, but thank you for sending him in my life.