Diary 28 January 2013

It is said that the more you run away from a situation the more it gets close to you. Today I knew that Abhi will make me face the reality and that is the reason why I was running away from it. Honestly I did not want to meet him because I knew that he will ask me how I was! I might be able to lie to the entire world but he is one person whom I cannot lie. He will look into my eyes and figure out that I am not fine. He is the only person who has met the real NIKITA GUPTA. He knows me in and out and that is the reason why I was running away from him and the reality. But he was right if I run away from it and if I think that I can forget what happened then I am the biggest fool. He said I need to talk to Pallavi or for that matter her mom or Principal Maam, I did not understand y? But yes I know that he will never think ill of me. He would be the last person on this planet to cause me any harm. He is my brother and will never suggest anything wrong and that is the reason why despite getting back late from work, I went straight to her place because I thought that I would speak to her. why? because abhi asked me to. He said friends sirf masti ke liye nahi hote, i thought he was right and that is why I chose to talk to Pallavi. Jis baat ko batane mein hi mujhe ek ghanta lag gaya us baat ko hasi mein udane mein use 5 minute bhi nahi lage.

I dont know why I chose Pallavi, I know that she is a kid and that she does not have that level of maturity, but what ever it is, I am done discussing about it. I wont talk about it anymore. Neither with Abhi, nor with Pallavi, nor with any one else. 

I guess I should just keep shut and stop talking to people about what I am going through. Why should I involve anyone in my personal problems. Worst case scenario - I will loose happiness and my smile toh abhi kahan se main khush hu. I m neither happy nor content. I m just fooling myself by carrying a fake smile on my face. I am sick and tired of bearing this fake attitude. Enough now. I am done. My happiness does not matter . The only person it should matter is me and it does not matter any more because the minute I smile something wrong comes my way. People might take all of it as an act of seeking attention therefore I should stop talking to them before they land up thinking ill of me. I do not want any more negativity, so it will be better if I simply give up and sit back

Thank you Abhi for trying to help me but I guess its high time that even you should realize that I am no more than a bad omen. Therefore you should stay away otherwise mere jaise pannauti ka saaya tum par pad jayega.