Diary 28 January 2013

It is said that the more you run away from a situation the more it gets close to you. Today I knew that Abhi will make me face the reality and that is the reason why I was running away from it. Honestly I did not want to meet him because I knew that he will ask me how I was! I might be able to lie to the entire world but he is one person whom I cannot lie. He will look into my eyes and figure out that I am not fine. He is the only person who has met the real NIKITA GUPTA. He knows me in and out and that is the reason why I was running away from him and the reality. But he was right if I run away from it and if I think that I can forget what happened then I am the biggest fool. He said I need to talk to Pallavi or for that matter her mom or Principal Maam, I did not understand y? But yes I know that he will never think ill of me. He would be the last person on this planet to cause me any harm. He is my brother and will never suggest anything wrong and that is the reason why despite getting back late from work, I went straight to her place because I thought that I would speak to her. why? because abhi asked me to. He said friends sirf masti ke liye nahi hote, i thought he was right and that is why I chose to talk to Pallavi. Jis baat ko batane mein hi mujhe ek ghanta lag gaya us baat ko hasi mein udane mein use 5 minute bhi nahi lage.

I dont know why I chose Pallavi, I know that she is a kid and that she does not have that level of maturity, but what ever it is, I am done discussing about it. I wont talk about it anymore. Neither with Abhi, nor with Pallavi, nor with any one else. 

I guess I should just keep shut and stop talking to people about what I am going through. Why should I involve anyone in my personal problems. Worst case scenario - I will loose happiness and my smile toh abhi kahan se main khush hu. I m neither happy nor content. I m just fooling myself by carrying a fake smile on my face. I am sick and tired of bearing this fake attitude. Enough now. I am done. My happiness does not matter . The only person it should matter is me and it does not matter any more because the minute I smile something wrong comes my way. People might take all of it as an act of seeking attention therefore I should stop talking to them before they land up thinking ill of me. I do not want any more negativity, so it will be better if I simply give up and sit back

Thank you Abhi for trying to help me but I guess its high time that even you should realize that I am no more than a bad omen. Therefore you should stay away otherwise mere jaise pannauti ka saaya tum par pad jayega. 

Midnight Diary

Diary 27 January, 2013

It seems like everything that is happening with me is a test of almighty God! I do not know why, but things are not good. I can not see one single file of positivity in life. As Abhi says, I should be thankful to God because the worst case dint happen. It could have happened, I could have been .......... but it did not happen, because God rescued me. But still I am not being able to come out of it. I am trying my level best to face the reality t I am not being able to do it. The minute I close my eyes the appauling reality haunts me like anything.

I know I am alone in this and that i have to fight it on my own then why am I feeling weak and pathetic. Why the hell am I not being able to come out of it. What has gone so seriously wrong with my ability to hold myself tight and firm and say that yes - "Yes Nikita" = YOU CAN DO IT. Why am I not being able to control my emotions. The only reason that I see is the probability of me getting tired of all the nuisance that has been happening in my life since past 20 years. I am genuinely tired, but just because I am tired, I cannot give up life so easily. After all, we get it only once. Guess I am loosing it or I have changed, because I am amongst those fighters who never give up in any situation, come what may, they stand to their ground and fight it out.

Every time something wrong has happened with me, I have fought like a warrior, be it loosing Mumma, Papa, Nanu, Nani and above all my childhood and innocence, I have always fought with the toughest situations of life in the best possible manner. I have fallen down end number of times, got up and continued to climb the mountains hoping that the journey is about to end soon. But no, each time I think its done, its all over, something new comes my way and shakes me up entirely. It shakes from my breath to my blood. I just don't know, how to handle it this time. I promised Abhi, that I will not cry and that I will deal with this in the correct manner but sorry Abhi I am not being able to do it. Its for the first time that your sis has broken her promise. Please forgive me for the same.

Abhi I know that you will never get to know this, because you will never read this blog of mine, that is why I am writing it here, THANKS, thanks for being there for me in this tough situation, Thanks for being my that elder brother who I wish could give me a hug and say - Dont worry sis I am there for you. I know that was not possible but your phone call mattered. I actually felt that yes I do have a family, I do have a caring brother, Thanks bro, thanks a tonne............... It is really valued and appreciated.

Bhagwan Ji = I wish Abhi was my blood brother as well, I am sure he would have fought for me from my family as well, but thank you for sending him in my life.

EVE-TEASING - A COMMON WORD TODAY

In today's scenario it is very easy to debate, discuss and write about various social issues prevalent in the society, but very difficult to take a stand when it comes to one's own life. To talk about rape issue is easy but to stand and report Eve - Teasing when it happens with you is not just difficult but more harassing than the actual episode. 

To report you need to describe what happened with you. It has to be a detailed step to step description. Here comes my question ...... WHY? Why does one need to provide second to second detail? Why does the victim has to give in details like - what did he do? which part of your body did he touch? Did he go beyond this? Did he hit you? Did he abuse you? What did he play with, your breasts or your vagina? Exactly these are the questions that a girl need to answer while reporting an Eve-Teasing case. Be it the Police officials or the so called Helpline assistants, everybody, everybody has the set of questions. It seems as if they enjoy the interrogation part. Whether the criminals are caught or not is not at all an issue of their concern. What matters to them is the description of what actually happened with you.

For once I can say that it is the job of helpline assistants to ask these questions so that they can understand the case and prepare a charge sheet accordingly. But what about the Rapists and Eve - Teasers roaming openly on the street. These people roam openly and molest young girls by blaming them for dressing up properly and aggravating their Blood Pressures which compels them to molest girls / ladies roaming on the street. What better explanation can we demand from these people. And the best part, how can we forget that now a days its not one person who does the great manly deed of teasing a girl it happens in a gang. They will stop you in the middle of the road, one of them will put a knife on your neck with one hand and will use the other one to insert inside your under pants. The other one will first snatch your wallet and will then squeeze your breast and then push you/ rather throw you on the road while the third one keeps the bike ready to run away. Even before you can gather yourself and realize what has happened with you, they will fly off. 

This is just one case, but there are cases which are worse and no one does anything about them, in-fact the safety issues, in a city like Delhi are getting worse day by day. Rapists and Eve-Teasers are fulfilling their desires in the broad day-light and no action against them, forget about action, reporting such incidents with the kind of interrogation that the sufferer has to go to is another major issue. For a girl it is difficult to narrate the entire issue to her brother forget about narrating it to a stranger. 

Hats off and a big salute to those brave girls who have the courage to fight this menace which is very strongly prevalent in today's world.

P.S  - REALITY CHECK - IT IS EASY TO SAY BUT DIFFICULT TO DO

Diary, 14 Jnauary 2013

The day began with a fine smile on my face and with a promise in my heart to do something good for myself. Took a half day off from work and went out with a dear friend / brother. It was important. Really important. While he drove to drop me at the metro station, a little conversation with him made me realize about how wrong I was. Despite the fact that I knew what I did was wrong and that I have no right to involve anyone in my personal problems or for that matter i need to learn to handle my emotions myself, I still did a silly mistake which ofcourse I should'nt have done in the first place but, yes, I did it. I spoiled things. I dont understand why, when and how I became so weak. I was not amongst the one who would break down in=front of others. Till date I have handled myself strongly. So, all of a sudden what went wrong, even I do not know. I guess knowing it is not even that important nor does it matter. What matters is the solution to it. Solution lies in doing things that I like, but what do I like? 

I like writing, so I am expressing myself here, - but is it really helping?

I like debating for which I joined online debating society, - but now I dont even want to debate.

I liked Pineapple Ice Cream Soda, but it does not taste good anymore.

I liked spending time with myself, but it has become scary.

I liked working like a workaholic, but work is no more interesting?

Well! I definitely need to figure out a solution, I will do it soon, I guess all I need is patience!

Diary Mid Day 12 January 2013

So, I am back with my emotions to my lil self obsessed corner. I guess its my only best friend who will listen to me without saying a single word and will pay attention to what I have to say.

I just don't know the damn reason for my sadness and this deprived feeling. Its just that I want to sit with myself and cry, cry like a little baby. Probably I have not seen a childhood and now when I have grown up I want to live my childhood. I demand care, attention and love. This depressive mode is killing me every minute and every second. I wish I had someone who could not only love me dearly but also say, " No matter what happens, you are not alone darling. I am there to hold you and take care of you in every possible way that you demand."

I know that no body likes a cry baby and nobody would like to have a girl like me in his life but still I do need someone to hold me tight and give me a hug and would just not leave me alone. I am scared of being alone these days. Loneliness and spending time with myself were my favorite pass timers but now I am scared to do the same, cause the moment I am alone I land up into depression and a strange feeling conquers my heart.

I wish I had a solution to this problem of mine.I wish I had my mom with me right now to hold me, cuddle me and love me.

I miss you mumma and I need you. I desperately need you ma. Wish you could come back to my life. I dont know who you were, how you were and for that matter I cant even remember your last touch. The only thing that I remember about you and papa was the night when I lost the both of you. Today I know and I also realize that how important it is to have your parents hand on your head. I need you booth. Wish I could have the both of you.

A REAL MAN MAKES DECISIONS AND LIVES WITH IT’S CONSEQUENCES

To build a great house, you need a strong foundation upon which to assemble all the other pretty things. To build a great man, you also need a solid foundation upon which to add all the other little things that set the real men apart from the stronzos. Let's not piss around, the stuff inside matters most.

Over the years and the personal experiences that I have had about life and men, one of the most strongest ones have been that there are hardly good men around in the city.

M: Master

A: Arrogant

N: Nasty

Most women today rate a man in the above three categories, and why not, after all the incidents that we see and hear in the news portal these days, it’s one thing that is obvious.

It is believed that a man is a bread earner and a woman is a home maker, but what when the bread earner sits at home drunk and beats his home maker to death. It is this bread earner who goes on the road and rapes a woman and throws her to die on the road, abuse her beat her, tear her apart and then does not even have the courtesy to wrap her and give her first aid medication, forget about respecting her.

It is these bread earners who force their daughters into marriage just to get a burden rid of their heads and throughout their lives makes them realize about how grateful they have been to their girls. No matter, what happens to them after their marriage is not even a question of concern but yes they have fulfilled their responsibility so they are not to be blamed.

Only a 5% of the entire male population can be termed as the actual MEN who are not just good at heart but also respect their ladies and daughters.

The next question that comes is, “What does it take to be a real man?”

Answer: Following are the traits that a real man possesses rather I should say should possess:

• A real Man is good at reading and writing, if he is good in at-least one of these, then I am sure he has the real sense of what is right and what is wrong.

• A real Man is the one who is good at literature, only then he can understand the true meaning of what is written in the scriptures.

• A real Man is focused and strong. By strong do not relate it to the physical strength, I also mean that he should have a backbone and should be able to take mature decisions in life. He is not the one who is a cry baby and is focused about what is extracted the best out of life. He is the one who knows the difference between what is right and what is wrong and knows how to handle power, friends, family and money.

• A real man knows the importance of family. He realizes its essence and values. He knows that his lady and children are his responsibilities and knows that family is not abused but in a way worshipped.

• A real Man strives to be a role model and does not loaf around boasting about himself and does not gossip about what is happening in someone’s life. Instead, he tries to give his genuine advice and opinion and in case he cannot help he shuts himself and provides moral support.

• A real Man sticks to his opinion and believes in establishing life long bonds. Say for ex. If he loves someone then he will love that person throughout his life no matter if that person is immature and is not able to give her best.

• A real Man makes his own future and does not depend on what his ancestors have left for him.

• A real Man knows that it is he who has taken the responsibility for managing his family and that he has to take decisions that would abide by his family’s wishes.

•  Finally, a real Man makes his decisions and lives with its consequences.

To conclude with, I would like to add that a real MAN is the one who is modest, caring, understanding and the one who respects woman for what they are.

I know in today’s world it is almost impossible to find such men, but as far as I know, I have met both the categories of men, by this I mean I have seen a real Man, the one that I have described in my article and yes I have seen the Male Hippocrates as well.

PS: It is difficult to find a real man, but yes they do exist. Wish all men could turn into real MEN.

Chapters of Life!

Amongst the various chapters of my life there are certain chapters which have been read and there are chapters which are yet to be read and written. One cannot predict the onset of a new chapter nor can one read as and when one wants to. There is no choice that lies in a particular person's hand he/she is compelled to do what is presented to him/ her but as a very dear friend says, it is in our hands to write a few chapters which later turns into our future.

Today, I am just praying to the almighty to give me strength to write my chapters my way. Hope one day, all my desires turn into real chapters, which would then happily be read by me.

PS. Waiting for that one chapter that will take away all my sorrows and will stand by my side to say, " I AM THERE FOR YOU".

Its not the end of the world!

At time when things go hay-wire in life we often believe that its done, as in , its the end of the world, but that very moment we need to look for a spark, a light, a friend or for that matter even a stranger that can show us the other side of the world. A dark gloomy face with sadness drooping from every corner might grasp some amount of sympathy but after a certain point of time will loose its relevance so rather than being sad and gloomy one needs to shut the old chapters and get up with a new start, that is what at-least I believe in doing.

It is important for every person to learn that its not the end of the world. No matter how tough the situation and life gets, there is always a turn waiting at the end of the road less traveled.We might find it difficult to understand that the road less traveled is ours but yes sooner or later one learns the very fact associated with the way to make a choice. I personally prefer the road less traveled so that I can leave a mark on every aspect of life that I touch and expect intellectual people who have sense of maturity and understanding to do the same. 

While writing this particular blog also I was interrupted by people who have little/ no sense about the world and its challenges and had given up TO THE CIRCUMSTANCES presented to them by the pressure and family around, but I guess a little experienced shared by me changed their view point and they realised that, " Its not the end of the world."

There are times when we all feel that what we are going through is possibly the biggest and the deepest situation with the utmost gravity and that is, when the lack of understanding and the actual problem begins. We need to learn that its not just we who are a part of a menace but every person in this big - big world is facing something similar or even deeper. 

PS. We need to open our eyes and look at the world around to see that we are not the only one and that there is lot more to look at and learn from.

Most importantly - no matter what happens we need to learn that ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.