Jhalli Aur Pagle Ki Love Story

Jhalli (Shreya) and Pagla (Krishna)

One fine day while I was strolling on the terrace of my paying guest accommodation and sulking in the boring PG life, this cute little jhalli (Shreya) walks up on the terrace with me and talks about this cute little pagla (Krishna) who drops her off to PG every day. For the first time in our entire stay in the PG I saw a cute gleam in her eyes. This gleam was present in her eyes only when she spoke about him, yes I mean Krishna URF KRISHU ONLY. Aur phir shuru hua silsila……. Pehle movie, phir late night pizza party at dominos, phir ghanto bhar PG ke bahar khade hokar flirt karna. Then finally one day, Bierre Republic happened where bioth of them got sloshed and a stupid fatso pushed them towards each other. Yes that fatso is me only (Nikita) your author of their love story.

There are unlimited chapters that can be defined in this story, but some are really interesting which these two share. A glimpse of that can be crazy long drives to Bangalore airport, Coorg, driving all the way to Mysore to pick up Jhalli from her site visit, crazy holiday to Chennai, Hyderabad, and the count is endless.

Meet the jhalli and pagli tie their knots on 18 April 2016.

Zinadagi!

Chand lamhaat ke waaste hi sahi! Muskura kar mili thi mujhe zindagi, teri aaghosh mein din te mere kate  teri bahoon mein thi meri raate kati! 

Zindagi/ Life - An important and indispensable matter, keeps playing its games in myriad ways with us. No matter where we are and what we do, life always has something in store for us. Good or bad, is not what is important, what is important is the adventure behind the story.

Life goes on, with its various twists and turns, some of which can be handled by the traveler on their own whereas for others there is always a guide to cater to the needs of the traveler/ sufferer......

At the moment I can just recall the fact, that though for some time, life was beautiful, so beautiful that nothing else in the world seemed important. I hope that beautiful comes again in my life/ zindagi again.

Life is beautiful in its own sweet ways, its just that it has phases some good and some bad!

My Fears and desires!

There's a place that I go that nobody knows Where the rivers flow and I call it home And there's no more lies in the darkness there's light And nobody cries, there's only butterflies. Take me away, a secret place, a sweet escape, take me away, take me away to better days, take me away a hiding place.

The above song describes my desires and brings a smile on my face, a smile that has hope and makes me feel that my man would be the man of my dreams. I guess I need to wake up to the appauling reality and understand the fact that they dont make such men anymore. Despite being a practical modern women, I have been living in the world of dreams and have been waiting for my dreams and desires to be accepted in the real world, whereas this has never happened and I dont even know if this will ever happen. 

All I know is that its time when I have started feeling that I need a companion. A partner that will take care of me not as a husband but as a friend first. A person who will understand and value my importance in his and his family's life and will not clip my wings which are clipped at the moment. A person who will live his life with me and will be my partner in crime. I need a real man who will have the backbone to support me in my decisions and would keep his ego outside our relationship. A man who will hold me tight and say, I am here, right here by your side to hold you if you fall.

I guess I am demanding a little too much, but isn't it justified because all this while I have been striving to sustain my life. I guess I deserve it. Since, I know I deserve it my fears begin as follows. They kill me, haunt me and make me weak:

1. What if I land up marrying a man who does not let me work.
2. What if he is not modern by his approach.
3. What if he doesnt love me
4. What if  he treats me just as an object to satisfy his sexual desires.
5. What if I land up being alone even in his presence.
6. What if he doesnt take me away to the secret place of love in his heart.

A number of if's and but's .... A large number of fears. Yes fear..... Justified fears, after all a person who has seen a lot of pain in her life would be scared at every moment to choose...

I guess I am at that one stage, where on one hand I need my partner in crime but on the other hand I am equally scared of landing up in wrong arms.

P.S I hope god fulfills my desires and fears go down the drain!
 

A Little Prayer for myself!

Dear God!

I do not know who you are or what you look like, yet I believe that you exist. I do not believe in going to a temple or for that matter visit a religious place to worship you, because I believe that u exist as a supreme power who keeps a watch on all of us and that is the reason why I am writing it down here. I do not need to tell you what I am going through because you know the state of my heart. I just have a few fears and you are aware about them. So just help me deal with my life in a positive way and help me, just give me the strength to carry on with my life with a smile on my face. All, I am requesting you is to provide me the strength to face this emotional phase that I am going through. Please be here by my side to take a stand wherever required. I wanna cry but I cant, because that one shoulder that can help me does not exist near me. As a result of which I am being dependent on my friends for emotional support. Imagine how sad it is, I have to depend on my friends for emotional support and in case they are not available, I wanna cry. Why ? I dont know! All I know is that I am really low at the moment.

Please help me find solace.
Amen!

ITS ALL ABOUT HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS

I am walking on a path,

which has no end.

I am looking at the future,

which has no light.

I am trying to look for a guide to hold my hand,

but has no one in sight.

I am longing for love,

but has no one to bring desires to life.

I am waiting for a real man to come,

but cannot see any real man around.

I know I am looking for impossible,

but still I smile.

Because I believe that some day my man will come

and will take me away on his ride.

Till then I will wait with hope in my eyes,

With smile on my face,

With pride of dreams I wish to explore,

I will live my life with an honest smile...!

 

Diary 28 January 2013

It is said that the more you run away from a situation the more it gets close to you. Today I knew that Abhi will make me face the reality and that is the reason why I was running away from it. Honestly I did not want to meet him because I knew that he will ask me how I was! I might be able to lie to the entire world but he is one person whom I cannot lie. He will look into my eyes and figure out that I am not fine. He is the only person who has met the real NIKITA GUPTA. He knows me in and out and that is the reason why I was running away from him and the reality. But he was right if I run away from it and if I think that I can forget what happened then I am the biggest fool. He said I need to talk to Pallavi or for that matter her mom or Principal Maam, I did not understand y? But yes I know that he will never think ill of me. He would be the last person on this planet to cause me any harm. He is my brother and will never suggest anything wrong and that is the reason why despite getting back late from work, I went straight to her place because I thought that I would speak to her. why? because abhi asked me to. He said friends sirf masti ke liye nahi hote, i thought he was right and that is why I chose to talk to Pallavi. Jis baat ko batane mein hi mujhe ek ghanta lag gaya us baat ko hasi mein udane mein use 5 minute bhi nahi lage.

I dont know why I chose Pallavi, I know that she is a kid and that she does not have that level of maturity, but what ever it is, I am done discussing about it. I wont talk about it anymore. Neither with Abhi, nor with Pallavi, nor with any one else. 

I guess I should just keep shut and stop talking to people about what I am going through. Why should I involve anyone in my personal problems. Worst case scenario - I will loose happiness and my smile toh abhi kahan se main khush hu. I m neither happy nor content. I m just fooling myself by carrying a fake smile on my face. I am sick and tired of bearing this fake attitude. Enough now. I am done. My happiness does not matter . The only person it should matter is me and it does not matter any more because the minute I smile something wrong comes my way. People might take all of it as an act of seeking attention therefore I should stop talking to them before they land up thinking ill of me. I do not want any more negativity, so it will be better if I simply give up and sit back

Thank you Abhi for trying to help me but I guess its high time that even you should realize that I am no more than a bad omen. Therefore you should stay away otherwise mere jaise pannauti ka saaya tum par pad jayega. 

Midnight Diary

Diary 27 January, 2013

It seems like everything that is happening with me is a test of almighty God! I do not know why, but things are not good. I can not see one single file of positivity in life. As Abhi says, I should be thankful to God because the worst case dint happen. It could have happened, I could have been .......... but it did not happen, because God rescued me. But still I am not being able to come out of it. I am trying my level best to face the reality t I am not being able to do it. The minute I close my eyes the appauling reality haunts me like anything.

I know I am alone in this and that i have to fight it on my own then why am I feeling weak and pathetic. Why the hell am I not being able to come out of it. What has gone so seriously wrong with my ability to hold myself tight and firm and say that yes - "Yes Nikita" = YOU CAN DO IT. Why am I not being able to control my emotions. The only reason that I see is the probability of me getting tired of all the nuisance that has been happening in my life since past 20 years. I am genuinely tired, but just because I am tired, I cannot give up life so easily. After all, we get it only once. Guess I am loosing it or I have changed, because I am amongst those fighters who never give up in any situation, come what may, they stand to their ground and fight it out.

Every time something wrong has happened with me, I have fought like a warrior, be it loosing Mumma, Papa, Nanu, Nani and above all my childhood and innocence, I have always fought with the toughest situations of life in the best possible manner. I have fallen down end number of times, got up and continued to climb the mountains hoping that the journey is about to end soon. But no, each time I think its done, its all over, something new comes my way and shakes me up entirely. It shakes from my breath to my blood. I just don't know, how to handle it this time. I promised Abhi, that I will not cry and that I will deal with this in the correct manner but sorry Abhi I am not being able to do it. Its for the first time that your sis has broken her promise. Please forgive me for the same.

Abhi I know that you will never get to know this, because you will never read this blog of mine, that is why I am writing it here, THANKS, thanks for being there for me in this tough situation, Thanks for being my that elder brother who I wish could give me a hug and say - Dont worry sis I am there for you. I know that was not possible but your phone call mattered. I actually felt that yes I do have a family, I do have a caring brother, Thanks bro, thanks a tonne............... It is really valued and appreciated.

Bhagwan Ji = I wish Abhi was my blood brother as well, I am sure he would have fought for me from my family as well, but thank you for sending him in my life.